MAY 8 2008.
HONESTY CAN BE A PAIN IN THE ASS
One of the things I love about Tony is the fact that he's always honest with
me, and in my own experience that's a rather rare trait in a guy. But when the
honesty comes with a side-order of ridicule, it's stops beeing constructive
and is more hurtful then anything else. Not that he tries to be mean - I seriously
doubt that - he's probably just trying to kick my ass in the right direction,
and I need that at times. I could do without the laughing though..
On friday, we got a new ad-consultant on our team. I envy her. She comes in,
gets her training, gets a list of clients handed to her and gets going. I wish
I had it that easy. I wish it would have been the same for me: here's your clients,
go tend to them! Instead I get to work my ass off trying to get in with customers,
batteling the relations they already have with our paper and trying to be included
with the other consultants. The color green does not suit me! ;p
I've bought three different pair of shoes the last two days. One pair has been
returned (cool
as hell, but not comfortable), one pair is gonna be returned (better, but
a bit difficult to walk on) and one pair I'm not sure of yet. Tony gets a bit
frustrated with me, 'cause I tend to buy stuff and then return it.. again and
again and again.. I don't really think there's a lot of items I've actually
kept since we've been together ;)
Today I've browsed thorugh 1.140 tribal tattoo-pictures. I've found a few that
I've liked: a star,
a heart,
a flower/star
and a butterfly
for instance. None of them really feels completely right though. I'm still urging
for something that inspires me or reminds me to keep kicking ass and never quit.
No rush though - I'm not loosing any weight, so there's no reward in sight yet!
MAY 7 2008.
NEXT!
Seriously: I need to find myself a new job. Period. If all my days are gonna
be as long as this day have, I'll lose my mind by the end of the month. *sigh*
It sucks. I would love to kick ass in this job and love it! I hate to be a quitter..
I've found two jobs I'll apply on though: on as a administrative-consultant
and one as an assistant manager. And we'll see. I'll try to keep positive, but
seeing how my jobhunt went the last time around, I'm not exactly expecting much
response this time either. I'm still to young I think. But hey - you never know.
I finished the website today. All in all I guess it's taken me five hours or
something. I showed Tony the first draft of it and he said he liked it. Now
that I'm finished, he says it reminds him of toilets. I'm a bit grumpy with
that, 'cause now I don't wanna show it to her ;)
MAY 6 2008.
GREAT BALLS OF FIRE
Dansi loves those soft, little, fluffy balls. She's made the red one she got
around christmas vanish from the face of the earth, and the blue one she got
a few months ago is soon shreaded into a million pieces. So seeing how I had
to go to the petshop today to buy food for Natasha, I picked up a new purple
one for her - and boy is she happy! She's been playing with it constantly since
I gave it to her, it's adorable! Now I just hope that she'll calm down soon
so that she doesn't keep me up all night ;p
After twisting my head for weeks trying to come up with something for that website
I'm making, I finally found some graphics today that inspired me. There's still
a few minor details to be done before I can show it, but it's just about ready.
I'm not sure if I'm onto something though. I think it might be a bit too qute..
or not suitable at all.. but time will show! Like I told the lady - I have to
start somewhere and then you'll just have to guide me from there.
There seems to be some kind of law in my surroundings stating that I have to
be the youngest one no matter what I do ;p We were a bunch of young people at
work before, but now they're all going away. Two has quit, two is on maternity-leave,
one is going on maternity-leave.. and that leaves me with my co-workers from
32 and up. Not that 32 is old, but I can't help feeling a bit immature around
them. They all have kids and husbands and houses and all that shait.. but what
can you do? Maybe beeing the youngest is a good thing! ;)
I have a confession to make: I fucked up my diet - again. Just for a few days,
but a few days is a few days to many. I need to get back in the game and keep
going. It's so gonna be worth it in the end!! Food isn't worth it! Food is food
- it's body-fuel, nothing more. (I try to convince myself of this, with more
or less effect). If I feel a bit better tomorrow (iow: no stuffed nose and some
more energy) I'm gonna take a power-class at the gym. If not, I'll at least
drag my ass outside and take a walk. And I'll eat fish and veggies for dinner.
I actually bought several different kinds of fish at the store today! Kinda
proud of that ;)
Seriously! It's just minutes before midnight and I have to get back into bed..
good night everyone :) And Christer: I uploaded a picture of Dansi to the webcam
- it's frikkin' adorable :)
MAY 5 2008.
TIME FLIES WHEN YOU'RE BUSY
House-cleaning, car-wash, work in the garden, work (of course), haircut, present-shopping,
birthday-party, family-dinner, labour day, laundry, the flu, drag race, exercise,
house-work, meetings and so on and so forth. All summed up I'm not too surprised
that I feel my legs have been moving constantly for the last couple of weeks.
Not that I'm complaining. Sitting still freaks me out at the moment.
There are however a few things that I need to do that hasn't been done, like
making that website I promised for the xerox-company in the building my mum
works. It makes me feel so guilty, but it's hard to force something out. I've
had a few ideas on how to do it, but none that's turned out any good. And now
I'm getting stressed about it, 'cause I know they're waiting.. damnit.. I always
say yes to a few things more then I should ;)
Today I actually put my foot down and canselled an appointment 'cause
I was to damn tired to do it all. That - for me - is an enourmous accomplishment!
*pat my own back* It does seem like this treatment I'm taking pays of. 'Cause
I'll tell you: I haven't had a headacke for three frikkin' weeks and it makes
me wanna scream out loud! ;D
Dansi's now fallen asleep on the edge of the desk. Gives me a reminder that
I should've been in bed already. So I think I'm gonna do just that!
APRIL 28 2008.
DISA-FRIKKIN-PPOINTED
I took two classes at the gym today - spinning (that was boring as hell) and
core (that was boring as hell). I guess I can manage taking some spinning-classes
- it made me sweat like crazy, so it's gotta be good for fat-burning. The core-class
though.. I could feel that it's good exercise for my poorly controled muscles
and it does focus a lot on balance (where I need some serious improvement),
but it felt like a cross between baby-gym and senior-gym. No music and (stupid)
child-like exercises that made me feel like an idiot. No, I need classes that
has some BANG to it, that makes me feel macho - not
like a complete retard. I'll stick to the power-classes with all the weights,
'cause that's cool ;)
Seeing how it's my PTs girlfriends classes, I'm not very thrilled to tell him..
;D
I'm very anxious to find out if all the effort I put into this has any effect.
Anxious 'cause I'm unpatient to find out, but I'm afraid to at the same time.
What if it doesn't work? What if I have to push myself even harder to get anywhere,
when I already feel that I'm pushing myself as hard as I can? I'm obviously
thinking so much about it that I talk about it at night ;p Tony couldn't sleep
at night, so he listened to all the noise I make when I sleep. In between the
teeth-grinding and clicking my teeth with my piercing, I said "No pain,
no gain!" ;) Kinda funny. And kinda disturbing. God know what else I say
through the night ;)
APRIL 27 2008.
ONE STEP CLOSER :)
As I've mentioned before - our cats aren't the best of friends. Usually Dansi's
to eager and Lassen runs away. Or Lassen gets annoyed and hits Dansi. Or they
scare eachother and both start hitting. Tony and I would both love for them
to crawl into our laps and snuggle - at the same time. Allthough that didn't
happen, we did find them in bed together tonight - tale to tale. Frikkin' melted
my heart <3
I've been away in Kongsberg
this weekend, attending a class on how to hold a speech and how to be part of
a debate. It's been fun, interesting and exhausting. My most important lesson:
debates doesn't really suit me ;) I got so frikkin' angry at my opposition for
beeing stupid that I'd like to hit them or something. I also get frustrated
as hell when I can't finish what I've started to say, or if I can't get a word
in at all ;) However - I love to speak my mind and I love to be challanged on
my points of view (and win). But it's not good for my heart :)
Last night we gathered in the conference-room to watch the movie Sicko
by Michael
Moore. It made something happen that rarely does: I was speechless (for
a little while at least). How a western society can accept a system like that
is beyond me. It doesn't seem like anyone has a mind of their own, or a voice
to start a change. For all americans sake, I hope someone finds that voice and
uses it.
Until this weekend, I've done rather good with both dieting and exercising.
I've not been good at all this weekend though. How can you eat just half the
dinner when it tastes like heaven?! I don't have that strength in me.. but come
tomorrow, I'm back on healthy eating and lots and lots of exercise. I'm really
starting to enjoy going to the gym. It takes up all the free time I have, but
in the end it'll be worth it. I hope. I can't see any difference and it's putting
a strain on my motivation, but I keep telling myself to be patient. Just
keep swimming *hum*
Next week is gonna be rather relaxed compared to this one. I actually have thursday
and friday off, so I'm looking at a nice long weekend. Tony and I are considering
going to Oslo
Tattoo Convention (seeing how I'm in a serious crave for new tattoos). I'm
not sure though. I fear that if I find the inspiration I'm seeking, I'll be
to darn psyked to get a new one that I can't wait :)
APRIL 20 2008.
INZANE IN THE BRAIN
It seems that Dansi may have lost her mind ;p She talks all day long, and as
far as I know there's nothing wrong with her, nor does she lack anything (she
has food, fresh water and a clean toilet). She's also gotten very
clingy and is pretty much around mine or Tonys feet the entire day. It's qute
as hell, but a tad annoying ;)
We've had such great weather this weekend! So great that even I - the constant
freeze - has been outside in just my t-shirt. Unfortunately, the good weather
has made me realize that I'm in serious need of a spring-jacket. I have a rather
baggy one, but a baggy jacket and baggy pants does not look
good! Tried to find one yesterday, but the only one I found cost more then I
pay for my car each month. That's not gonna happen, even if
it was damn cute ;) I can't wait for it to get really warm again.. it's about
frikkin' time! :)
Yesterday was officially my last night working at the pub. It feels pretty darn
great ;) I've said that they can just call if they're shortstaffed,
but then I have the wonderful oppertunity to say now if I don't feel like it
or I have plans! I think I'm gonna miss it a bit, but damn
how great it feels! Every weekend off - wohoo!
I had another appointment with my PT on friday. So far it's been all about my
eating. I feel like I have it more or less under control - I've stopped eating
junk, I've stopped drinking my beloved Pepsi Max and I've started to drink lots
and lots of water. Only time can really tell if I'm doing it right or not, but
I think I am! The hunger has to be a sign of that ;) Other then that, I'm taking
a walk every night I don't go to the gym, so my activity level has increased
as well. I'm pretty damn proud of myself :D
We ended up changing my goal on friday though. Officially at least. My goal
is/was to loose 20kg within 6 months. My PT says that's too much, and after
he did my body-profile on friday, he "made" me change the goal to
10-15kg. I seriously don't see how that would have much of a difference on my
body, so unofficially my goal is still 20kg. But as I've said before - if I'm
happy after 10kg, I quit at 10kg. If I'm not happy, I keep going. I don't care
all that much about what I weigh, I care about how my body looks. Plain and
simple.
APRIL 20 2008.
TAG - I'M IT!
I was tagged by Ashli
Danielle.
How to play: Once you’ve been tagged you have to write a blog with 10
weird, random facts, habits, or goals about yourself — at the end choose
5 people to be tagged. Don’t forget to leave them a comment saying (You’re
It!) and to go read your blog. You cannot tag the person that tagged you. So
since you can’t tag me back let me know when you are done so that I can
go read YOUR blog answers.
1. I sleep with my big fuzzy teddybear Frankie every night.
2. I'm a complete neat-freak.
3. I've developed a bad habit of pulling off split ends in my hair.
4. I seriously don't see the point of spending money on things I rarely need
just 'cause everyone else does.
5. I completely freak out every time I'm supposed to dress up and look good.
6. I only love potato-chips that get pulled from the market after awhile ;p
7. Apperantly, I mumble a lot in my sleep. And I snuggle (something a few of
my friends have experienced unfortunately) ;D
8. I can't seem to throw away any of my teddybears.. and I name them all!
9. I have 5.822 pictures on my computer.
10. I hate the beach! ;)
Since I don't really have all that many people I "know" that blogs,
I'll just tag two others: Renate
and Hanna. Sorry ;)
APRIL 15 2008.
THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL
Today Tony and I have been together for one year. I'm as much in love with him
today as I was a year ago. He still makes my heart skip a beat like he did eight
years ago. He's the guy. He's my guy - my rock - my everything. I love him,
and I wanna thank him for beeing mine for a year - and I hope he'll stay for
many, many more <3
He sent me the most amazing, big, red, velvet roses at work today. Safe to say
I'm the envy of every girl there. He doesn't need to send flowers to melt my
heart, but damn. I've been acting like a stupid little schoolgirl
in love all day ;p
If he'd only been home! I miss him so frikkin' much, and beeing
this sweet doesn't help at all! ;p Friday.. just a few more days.. I can't wait!
APRIL 14 2008.
HERE WE GO AGAIN!
I had my first appointment with my personal trainer today and one thing's for
sure - damn, this is gonna be hard!! It scares the living crap out of me - I
can't afford to fail this time. Not because of the money (I'd probably end up
wasting it on something useless), but I can't keep feeling this god damn miserable
about myself. It drains me, plain and simple. Enough is enough. It's like Tony
says - it's all in my head. Conquer my head and I'll conquer anything.
My carrot: a new tattoo. No success = no tattoo.
Does it really matter what kind of socks you wear? Isn't socks unsexy no matter
how they are? I think so.. and like everything else I put on my body, I go for
comfort! ;p
APRIL 10 2008.
ME - AN ADDICT
It felt so good seeing Tony last night! We went for a walk by the river in Drammen,
and stopped at a bar for a drink. Unfortunately my room had two single beds
instead of a doublebed, so I didn't get to sleep in Tonys arms. But holding
his hand was good enough - at least he was there! He's not gonna be home for
a week and I miss him really really bad right now. I think I'm a Tony-addict.
The conference ended earlier then planned, thus I've gotten a few more hours
at home then planned. Not that it did me any good - I still haven't packed for
my weekendtrip with Anita and it doesn't look like I'm going to either. It stresses
me out, 'cause I don't know what to pack or what's expected of me. It's "just"
Anita - and she's nothing to fear - but I don't do these kinds of things. It's
the same with going to a party or something, where I almost have a nervous breakdown
when I can't figure out what kind of "dresscode" there is. I've even
turned parties down 'cause said dresscode doesn't "fit" with what
I own. I think to much. Seriously.
Speaking of thinking: I have all kinds of ideas on what I should do for the
first meetings in the trade union, but whenever I try to write them down, they
completely disappear from my head. It's strange how that works. In my old job
I always used to have a notebook beside my bed so I could write things down
the moment I though of it. Maybe I should have a voicerecorder or something
with me ;p
APRIL 8 2008.
TWINKLE TWINKLE
I shouldn't be blogging right now, I should be packing. I'm leaving work early
tomorrow to go to a meeting an a conference in Drammen tomorrow night and thursday.
I also should get to bed, 'cause I'm frikkin' exhausted. This last few weeks
have been frikkin' crazy (and it also will be for the next couple of weeks).
But what fun would life be if I wasn't always on the go? ;p
The personal trainer from the gym called me yesterday, and now we have an appointment
on monday afternoon. I'm really looking forward to it, but I'm really dreading
it as well. One thing's for sure though: this week I'm gonna eat and drink whatever
the hell I feel like!
I have to tell you though: standing in only your underwear when your selfesteem
is.. well, more or less not existing.. it's not fun! I hardly walk around infront
of Tony in my underwear, so standing like that in front of a man that I've only
met once.. it made me rather uncomfortable. It also made me struggle to relax
(wich I'm supposed to do pretty much for an entire hour), Oh, and I''m speaking
of my physical therapist btw ;)
The second appointment with him went rather well, allthough he still isn't saying
much about what he thinks. I do get the feeling that he's not supposed to either.
The focus is more on my control of my body then the reason for it beeing like
it is. And I'm betting that if this helps me be in more control over my body,
I will feel a lot better. There's small things to it. Like when he asks me to
roll my head and neck, chest and stumack down. I do it, but as soon as I start
using my chest, my neck freezes - probably 'cause I don't focus on that part
anymore. It'll be interesting to see how it all ends up!
Today I haven't done much for my own job - just everyone elses. I probably set
a new company record: I visited 39 shops in five hours. Safe to say my legs
were falling off at the end of the day (and they still feel like crap), but
at least I did what I was supposed to do. So if I'm not good at anything else
in this job, I'm at least fast ;D
Seriously - sleep! It's gonna be a long ass day. But the good thing is that
the meeting's in Drammen. Tony works in Drammen. That means Tony's gonna crash
my hotelroom and we'll get a night together. Sweet! ;D
APRIL 5 2008.
POST #444 ON 04.04
A tiny funny fact appeared to me just now: yesterdays post was my HaloScanComment
#444. On april 4th (04.04). Haha :) Ok, so I guess it's not funny.. ;)
About six months ago or so, I bought a new pair of jeans. I had a hard time
making up my mind, 'cause one size was a to big and the other just a tad too
small. In hopes of some weightloss, I bought the smallest one, but have never
been able to fit into it. Today I bought the bigger one, so now I have both
sizes ;p If that's not a poor way to spend money, I don't know what is ;D These
jeans feels like heaven to wear though, so I guess it's worth it :) I also bought
a new black, short-sleeved shirt and a maroon scart (of all things). Not I just
need a white sweater, and I have myself a rather nice outfit :)
You know what I would love? To find an amazing cook-book with recipies that
doesn't scare me ;p When you put ingredienses in a recipie that I've never even
heard of, the chances of me making it is very slim :)
APRIL 4 2008.
MY APOLOGIES ;)
A tiny miss-spellage in the last post: I was elected the leader. I should have
written now, not not like I did. Hehe. I apologize ;) It's made my head spin
with thoughts and ideas and (unfortunately) problems. Nothing that can't be
handled though. Hopefully :) I need to acchieve something soon,
so there's not a chance in hell that I'll fail on this! *growl*
But seriously - I've felt like complete and utter crap the last couple of weeks.
I can't do my job, I can't seem to completely quit smoking, I can't diet - I
can't, I can't, I can't! The more I fail, the less motivation I get to keep
fighting - wich now have made me feel bad everytime I wake up. I seriously need
to change that around. Seriously!
Regarding work, I can't shake the thought that just maybe I'm
hiding behind my competition to hide the fact that I'm just not good at that
kind of job. I can't shake the thought that if I just tried a little bit harder,
I could actually make some sales! It's been a bad couple of months now - makes
me wonder why on earth they haven't sacked me yet. Note to self: find
motivation - kick ass!!
Two hours 'til I start my forth-last night at the pub - time to snuggle ;)
APRIL 2 2008.
FRIKKIN' PAIN IN THE ASS
Work's really beeing a pain in the ass at the moment, and my boss fears (yet
again) that I'm losing my spirit. And I am. I am - as I said - gonna give it
a year and see how it turns out. But from how it looks now,
I don't think I'm gonna last much longer then that if something else comes around.
In other news: the election went completely smooth and I'm not a leader. It
feels wierd. All the attention feels wierd. But it's good attention, nothing
negative. Thank god. That would completely freak me out ;p
I started a new form of treatment for my headackes today. Today there were mostly
tests done, not many answers given. Only thing the guy said was that there was
something terribly wrong with my body beeing like this at my age. He didn't
get to finish all the tests though, so I'm eagerly waiting for the next appointment
(on the 8th). The guy was danish and had christian-statements all over the place,
but I liked him! As long as he doesn't try to make me believe, we'll
do fine ;)
And at last: I hate all the frikkin' clothingstores in this area who doesn't
make anything good for someone who's not skin and bones! I would like a pair
of pants that doesn't make me look like a granny, thank you!