JANUARY 30 2008.
UNFIXABLE
My chiropraktor has been very optimistic and said that he'd be able to "fix"
me and get rid of my headackes. He thinks that the problem is scar-tissue from
an operation I had in the back of my head ten years ago. I've seen him every
week for four months, and then every other week for two months - and today he
tells me that there's nothing more he can do. Right then and there I wanted
to scream and throw something through the room - and I still don't feel more
calm. I've been searching for the reason for my headackes for over ten years..
I've been to god knows how many doctors and I've tried god knows how many different
types of treatments and pills.. and nothing.. I'm twentyfuckingfour years old
and I'm not supposed to be like this! I don't want to have these headackes and
I don't want to take painkillers more or less every day just to function properly!
God damnit..
JANUARY 23 2008.
SCRATCHY SCRATCHERSON
I've had a small wound on my stumach for about six months or so now, and it
itches like crazy! I scratch it open night after night, and that's not exactly
something I can control. I can control it during the day, but sometimes it just
feels like heaven on earth to scratch it!! I feel guilty as hell afterwards
though.. anyways, I called the doctor on monday (after some hard pushin' from
Tony) and I have an appointment on february 1st. I hope he can give me some
piece of advice that'll help.
Work's still work and it goes up and down. I had one heck of a start to the
year on january 4th when I sold for 9% of this years budget. In total I'm now
up to 31% of the budget and it's not even february. So I'm pleased with that,
and I'm pleased that my bosses are pleased with me, but from time to time I
still feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. I wish there would be
a bit more support from my co-workers, but I can't blame them for consentrating
on their own budgets. We'll see how it turns out! One thing's for sure - I'm
not giving up on this! The more I hear from my old job, the more sure I am that
I did right by quitting. I'm just fed up with it. And this new job of mine (that's
not all that new anymore) is something completely different from what I've ever
done before! That's exiting.
I've been seriously considering to start some kind of education revolving marketing.
I should however finish that last damn exam of mine that I've been putting off
for over a year. It's economics, and I suck at that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna
be able to pass from studying on my own, but I can't find that out unless I
try! I guess first things first and I need to just be done with that..
JANUARY 6 2008, 19:48.
LIFESTYLE CHANGES
Allthough I haven't been very sucessfull in my quest for a better body, it's
never to late to try again! Come tomorrow, I'm going at it once more. But this
time around, my focus is more on changing my lifestyle then just the weight-loss.
I have no idea if it makes any difference, but no harm in giving it a shot,
right? Tony thinks my first challange is to change my attitude from "I'm
gonna try" to "I'm gonna do it" - and he makes a damn good point.
So we'll see. I spent the morning figuring out what to have for dinner all next
week, and I've written down three different classes at the gym in my calendar.
The days I'm not at the gym, I'm gonna go for a walk. And after a heavy influence
from Tony, I'm gonna stop drinkin' Pepsi Max. I know I drink too much, so I
see his point about it. I'll keep you posted on how it goes :)
My resolution to explore the kitchen is going great! I've tried a few new dishes
this week, and in next weeks menu, there's only two things I've made before.
I'm really proud of that one, and it's not as hard as I expected :)
I worked at the club yesterday and there were more or less no customers. I bored
my frikkin' eyes out! If things doesn't start to go better there soon, I'm not
sure I'm up for it. It's fun when there's lots to do, but I don't wanna "waste"
my nights for nothing. It's not worth it. God knows I'd be better off with the
weekends completely free :)
Time to make my sweetie some dinner! Pasta Carbonara tonight - made from scratch!
;)
JANUARY 1 2008, 13:47.
HELLO 2008
Allthough last night wasn't the greatest, it was one of the better new years
celebrations so far. I tried my best to stay positive, and I don't think I did
half bad. Didn't drink all that much though. That damn headacke wouldn't go
away, and I think I was to stuffed from all the good food to have much room
for alcohol. I think I need to find something else then Smirnoff Ice to drink
as well, it gets a bit to sour when I'm on the fifth and sixth.. makes me a
bit noxious.
I've been wondering though: if my headackes went away, would it really do any
difference towards how I am at parties? I can't help but doubt it. I just don't
feel comfortable enough to "let go" and I always get.. I'm not really
sure what to call it.. modified? Restrained? I dunno.. when they were passing
out the social-gene, I think I got overlooked. The only times I feel completely
comfortable and truly am myself, is when Tony and I are alone. What he sees
then - that's me, plain and simple. I'm just not afraid to show myself to him.
It scares me a little, 'cause I don't want to be like that, but I'm not really
sure what's holding me back. I'm also scared that I'm gonna lose Tony over it.
He's tons of fun at parties, and I'm afraid that he feels that I'm holding him
back or that he thinks that I have a fuckin' stick up my ass. Sooner or later,
I recon he's gonna get fed up with it. But as I said: I'm not sure why I'm like
this, and then I don't know how to do anything about it either. I have a hard
time forcing myself to change behavior, 'cause I don't wanna be anything but
natural. I hate fakers. And now I'm rambling..
Neither Tony or I are very creative in the kitchen, and we have 15-20 different
dinners we kinda just eat over and over again. Not very exiting, so that's another
new years resolution for me: to explore the world of food and become better
in the kitchen! No harm in trying, right? Tony eats just about anything anyway,
so if it's not a success, I'll just try something else the next day. At least
I won't make my man go hungry, and maybe he'll not be so fed up with me making
the same things over and over again ;)
I think Tony's pretty beat, 'cause it's almost 2PM and he's still asleep.